


Know Your Name

by shiptoomuch



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Depression, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Genderswap, Girl!Chekov, Recovery, Sadness, Some Fluff, angsty angst, girl!Jim, girl!sulu, oh god what am i writing, this sounds really sad and it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2017-12-18 08:05:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/877507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiptoomuch/pseuds/shiptoomuch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jamie Kirk can't sleep. She's found her escape in alien drugs and sex since she was twelve years old and all she wants is for someone to save her.<br/>When the sun rises, she’ll have to go back to being Jamie Tiberius Kirk, daughter of a dead hero. The girl who is smiles and a genius IQ all wrapped up in a body that is pure sex with her full curves and long blond hair, impossible blue eyes.<br/>All she wants is Bones.<br/>But she knows he doesn't want her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So...this is something I am writing that I started whilst on an epic roadtrip. Enjoy? Feedback is always welcome! tumblr:bandsnakes

Jamie wanders through the dimly lit courtyard, her shadow the only companion she has. She attempted to sleep, just as she does every night and just like every night, she found herself unable to sleep.

She only gets drunk and beat up because at least she can pass out for a few hours. A little trick she learned from her stepfather.

The Academy has been better for her, forcing her to go and study rather than destroy herself with sex and drugs. At least, she isn’t as bad as back in Iowa. She’s not destroying herself.

She knows a number of people she could go to right now that would welcome her in, make her stop thinking for a few hours with lips and hands on skin, only to kick her out when they’re done with a hit of something to make her forget how dirty she feels just long enough to get home and into a shower. Not that the shower really gets rid of the feeling. Sometimes it makes it worse because it clears her head.

Jamie’s thoughts turn to Gaila, Gaila who might actually let her spend the night, touch her until her forgets who she is. But she can’t do that to Gaila anymore, let her care for Jamie so much when the Orion girl knows Jamie doesn’t care enough to let go and just be with her for once.

She walks further and runs into Casey, the boy from her Xenolinguistics class, Casey who has the good stuff, Casey, who never makes her pay except with her body. He asks if she needs a hit and she nods numbly. (It seems that everything she does, she does numbly. Her life seems numb.)

The sharp sting of a hypo at the neck, her senses heightened and she feels everything where she had felt nothing before. Casey’s lips at her neck, sucking a trail of bruises. He whispers something about going somewhere more private and Jamie lets herself be pulled around the corner into a building and up the stairs into a room she knows isn’t his dorm. Muffled voices and bitter laughter before the door slams and her t-shirt comes off, followed by her jeans. She stands in the middle of the cold room wearing only her bra and panties. She feels goose bumps prick up and she holds back a shiver.

Casey shoves her down to her knees and she sets to work pulling down his pants- he isn’t wearing boxers, the guys like this never do- and taking his heavy cock in her hand.

“Do a good job and I’ll let you ride me, slut.”

She sets to work, bobbing her head, licking and sucking expertly. The drugs only make her better. He shoves her off suddenly and lies back on the bed. She takes this as her cue.

She slips off her panties and sinks down onto him. He doesn’t wear a condom, guys like him never do. Bones always makes sure to keep her updated on her monthly doeses of birth control and STD vaccinations. (He thinks she just goes through one night stands that she picks up at bars. If he knew where she really was, he would leave, just like everyone else.)

Bones. Hazel eyes and dark hair fill her mind as she bounces on Casey. She closes her eyes and tries to imagine that the hands kneading her breasts are larder, calloused from working on a farm as a young man. But these hands are too soft, obviously belonging to someone younger who has always led a privileged life. Casey comes and pushes her off. She doesn’t come, but she doesn’t care. She bites back the tears that threaten to run down her face.

Casey kicks her out (she wanted to leave) with another hypo at the neck, a clap on the shoulder, and a “see you in class.” The door slams and she’s back to wandering the streets. She checks her chronometer and sees that it’s just past 0200.

When the sun rises, she’ll have to go back to being Jamie Tiberius Kirk, daughter of a dead hero. The girl who is smiles and a genius IQ all wrapped up in a body that is pure sex with her full curves and long blond hair, impossible blue eyes shining dimly beneath heavy eyeliner. (Eyeliner makes her look less tired, takes away the redness.)

Tonight, though. Tonight she’s just Jamie, the girl who cannot get herself to stop shaking. The girl who runs away from the problems that are chained to her, locked to her wrist with a padlock that she doesn’t have the key to.

Jamie Kirk. The girl who has unwittingly fallen in love with a divorced doctor from Georgia, who was drunk and terrified when they met.

Not that Jamie could judge, she was high and terrified.

Jamie has made her way back to the courtyard when the shaking in her limbs becomes too much for her to walk. She carefully sits herself down and wonders why tonight is so different. Why the drugs feel heavier in her veins. She tucks her knees up to her chest and rests her head on them.

She counts her breaths, trying to slow her heart.

In, out. In, out. She uses techniques Bones had taught her months ago when he had found her in the bathroom of a bar having a panic attack because someone had tried to slip something in her drink. (Jamie probably would have accepted it if they offered it to her, but she never took something without knowing that she was taking it.)

Jamie doesn’t hear the footsteps, but she hears the voice. “Jamie? Goddammit, you didn’t answer your comm and I was just going to check to make sure you weren’t dead.” Bones’ voice snaps Jamie out of her bubble. Her heart picks up again and she feels tears sliding down her face. She hadn’t realized she was crying.

Bones draws in a sharp breath as their eyes finally meet. He rushes to her and picks up her small figure. “Jesus, Jamie. Where have you been? You smell like sweat and come. Are you high?”

Jamie lets out a shaky breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding and nods. “Casey.”

“Fuck, not that guy. He’s shady. He’s been making you sleep with him, hasn’t he? Do you even know what he’s been sticking in your blood stream?”

“Bones.”

“This could be counted as sexual assault, making you sleep with him when you’re not fully in control of your actions.”

Jamie groans. “Bones.”

“I can feel your ribs. When was the last time you had a full meal, dammit? You’ve been pushing yourself too hard.”

“Leonard.” Using his full name seems to snap Bones out of his rant. "Will you please shut up? I can’t do this right now.”

Bones nods slowly, “Sure kid.”

He carries Jamie to his dorm, gives her a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt to change into. Bones has to help her change into the clothes when she can’t stop shaking long enough to undo the button on her jeans and she almost falls over.

The clothes nearly swallow her but she feels oddly safe in them. Bones pushes her down onto the bed in a completely different manner than she’s ever experienced, without the hunger and lust of someone who just wants to fuck her and make her leave.

Bones places the comforter over her and turns to leave but Jamie catches his wrist.

“Stay with me?”

Bones sighs but says nothing, simply pulls off his t-shirt and takes off his sweatpants and slides into the bed in just his boxers. Jamie scoots over so her back is close to his chest, just barely not touching.

“You’re going to be the death of me, kid.” Bones whispers almost inaudibly. He wraps his arms tightly around his best friend and pulls her closer to him.

Surprisingly, Jamie falls asleep.

Jamie wakes up in an empty bed and she has a brief moment of panic when she realizes that she is not in her room. As her brain adjusts to being awake, she realizes that this is Bones’ room. The man himself walks in a moment later carrying a trayful of food.

“Aw, Bones. Did you cook for me? How terribly domestic of you.” A smirk that is only half fake stretches across her face.

“Cut the crap, Jamie.” Bones’ voice is quiet but it cuts through Jamie, sending her into a shocked silence. She stares at him, eyes wide, her mouth hanging open slightly.

“I hear stories, Jamie. I hear stories and I always deny them because I don’t want them to be true. I do not want to believe that you’re going out there and tearing yourself apart. I found you last night and I realized…I realized that they’re true, the stories are true. Jamie, why are you doing this to yourself?”

Jamie sighs and shakes her head slowly, blinking. She scrubs a hand across her eyes and lies back on the bed. She hopes that if she at least pretends to sleep, Bones will leave her alone. She hopes that he will stop asking the questions that hurt her.

Jamie hears a heavy sigh, footsteps walking out of the room, and some banging around in the kitchen. She figures her plan has worked. Feeling dizzy- one of the effects of whatever it was that Casey gave her, she knows- she tries to sleep.

When she has finally slipped away for a while, (it isn’t sleep, just a kind of lack of active thought and movement) she is surprised to feel Bones slide in next to her and pull her into his chest. “Hey, kid.”

“Hey, Bones.”

Bones breaths deeply for a few moments before speaking, “Juamie, just answer one question for me.” Jamie nods against his chest. “When was the last time you got a decent night of sleep without being completely wasted?”

“Mmm… three years?”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“Go to sleep, Jamie.”  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie tells Bones her story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um. Yeah, this is really sad and emotional and yeah.  
> tumblr:bandsnakes

Bones has to extricate himself from Jamie two hours later. He has a shift and he needs to at least show up to tell them he won’t be able to do it. He also needs to bribe someone into filling in for him. Again.  
Being friends with Jamie can be...difficult sometimes.  
Jamie groans and whimpers, turning her puppy-dog eyes on him, begging him to just stay a little longer but he just rolls his eyes and gives her some food, tells her to eat or he’ll feed her intravenously.  
He makes it to the clinic by 1400 and starts up the stairs to his office. He nods to his colleagues, who give him questioning looks as they take in his sweatpants (he forgot to change but he knows nobody will actually say anything). When someone looks like they might say something, he levels them with a glare and moves on.  
He reaches his office and presses his thumb to the pad by the door. It slides open nearly silently. He immediately goes to his desk and sets out doing the paperwork-none of which is on actual paper, of course-that he absolutely needs to complete today. He’s spent enough time procrastinating.  
He hears a knock on the door, which slides open a moment later. His head snaps up, Christine is standing in the doorway, face concerned. “You’re wearing sweatpants. Hardly regulation.” An almost-smile pulls her lips up.  
“Hello, nurse Chapel. Is there anything I can do for you?”  
She gives him a once over and frowns slightly. “Well, since you’re not on duty, you could call me Christine. Then you could tell me why the schedule says I’m to be working with you today, yet you are wearing sweatpants.” She walks forward and sits in front of his desk, crossing her arms and raising a sculpted eyebrow.  
Leonard sighs and busies himself for a moment with the PADD in his hands before mumbling, “It’s Jamie.”  
“Well, obviously.” Christine scoffs. “Specifics, please.”  
“What? Why is that obvious?”  
Christine leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “Jamie is the only person on this planet, hell, any planet-excluding your daughter-who could get you to drop your responsibilities.” She smiles ruefully. “Now, details. Where is she?”  
“At my place, in bed.” Leonard sees the smirk stretch across Christine’s face, her eyebrows raised slightly. “No! Not like that! Dammit, man. She’s...she’s not okay.”  
Christine seems to grow angry at this. Her previous smirk turns into a scowl and she stands up quickly, posture strong, fists balled up at her sides.  
“Are you just noticing this? Seriously, you make me so angry sometimes! You are the only person she lets in and yet, you can’t even take the time out of your life to look at her and see how fucking broken she is! We all thought you’d handle it because she tells you everything but it has been months and you-”  
“YEAH WELL, SHE DIDN’T TELL ME SHE WAS WHORING HERSELF OUT FOR ALIEN DRUGS!” Leonard snaps suddenly and yells at his friend, chest heaving when he finishes. “She doesn’t tell me everything. She doesn’t tell me anything.” Leonard reaches down into his satchel and pulls out a vial of Jamie’s blood-a sample he had taken covertly the previous night just after Jamie had fallen asleep. “Please, just help me run some tests on this and then I have to go back to her.”  
\---  
Jamie is dancing around Bones’ kitchenette wearing an Ole Miss shirt that reaches the middle of her thighs and a pair of spandex shorts that are completely hidden by the shirt that definitely belongs to Bones. She had found a pile of her clothes on the top shelf of Bones’ closet. (No doubt left here by her all the times she made Bones take care of her when she was broken and bloody.)  
“So, I see you’re feeling better. Are you wearing pants?” Bones’ voice makes Jamie scream and jump in the air in surprise. She nearly lands perfectly, but her foot ends up on a butter wrapper and she falls to the floor. Bones rushes over to help her up, concern etched on his face. “Jesus, kid, can you not keep yourself out of trouble for two minutes?”  
Jamie makes an indignant noise and accepts the hand Bones offers. She chooses to ignore the burning feeling she gets in her stomach at the sight of her tiny hand in Bones’ much larger one. “It’s your fault. You surprised me.”  
Bones laughs and shakes his head. He looks at Jamie and smiles softly at the sight of her with flour on her forehead, wearing his shirt. “Why can you not wear your own clothes?” He gestures at the shirt.  
Jamie tugs at the bottom of the soft gray T-shirt and grins. She peers up at him through her lashes, face a mask of pure innocence. “It’s softer than anything of mine that you have stashed away in your closet.”  
‘Oh yeah.’ A voice in the back of Jamie’s brain pipes up. ‘It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you hoped Bones would see you wearing his clothes and take you right in the middle of his kitchen.’  
Bones rolls his eyes (Jamie thinks one day his eyes will fall out of his head if he keeps doing that so much) and takes a look around the small kitchen at what she’s doing. “Are you baking? I didn’t even know I had this stuff.” Bones picks up a peach and starts to take a bite when the fruit is suddenly snatched from his hands by Jamie, who swats him with a spoon.  
“Bad, Bones. I went to the store and got the stuff for a peach cobble. I wanted to make it as a thank you...for last night.”  
“You went to the store wearing that?” Bones stares pointedly at her legs.  
“Yeah, I got a great discount.” Jamie pops her hip before swatting at him again. “Now, get out before I stop feeling so nice.” Jamie turns around and immediately begins working, throwing things into a bowl, and humming to herself.  
Bones lingers in the doorway, watches Jamie as she bops around the kitchenette for a few more minutes. She spots him, though, and shoos him, color rising on her cheeks.  
\-----  
“Jamie, this is so good. Where on Earth did you learn to bake like this?” Bones moans and eats another large forkful of cobbler.  
Jamie giggles into her hand and shrugs noncommittally, “One of the few things my mom taught me, during on of the few times she was planetside.” Her smile dims considerably. “Mom didn’t give me much more than a knack for baking and an abusive stepfather.”  
Bones stops eating abruptly and places a tentative hand on Jamie’s shoulder, but she shrugs him off. “Jamie, I-”  
“When I was six, Mom married Frank. He seemed nice enough, and she needed someone to watch us during the times when she couldn’t be bothered to be home with the reminder of her dead husband.”  
“Jamie, you really don’t have to do this.”  
“No, Bones. I really do.” She sets her plate on the coffee table and gets Bones another serving. “Now, shut up and eat your cobbler or I won’t be able to do this.”  
Bones digs into his cobbler obediently and keeps his eyes on his plate as Jamie begins speaking again.  
“Frank was good for about two years. He was my dad. We loved him, and he loved us. When I turned eight, he lost his job and started drinking. Then he started beating me. He’d beat the shit out of me for fun. Eventually, it wasn’t just when he was drunk. Sam didn’t do anything about it. He would just watch or go back to his room.” Jamie’s face turns sad and angry.  
“Frank would drag me around by my hair. I wanted to cut it, but he never let me. When I was eleven, right after Sam left for college, he started working bow jobs into the deal. He would beat me and then pull down his pants and tell me he was doing me a favor, that nobody wants an inexperienced fuck. He took my virginity when I was twelve and he would assault me a lot after that. He called me a slut and insisted that I liked it.  
“Turns out I got good at it cuz when I started giving out blowjobs and letting boys fuck me behind the school, I got really popular. Pretty soon, I realized I could get things from the boys and girls I would sleep with. Things that would make me feel...like I wasn’t me. So I got into drugs. Cheap country drugs that people wold gladly give me in exchange for an emotionless fuck.” Jamie laughs bitterly. “Frank found out and started locking me in my room, raping me increasingly until one day when I was 15, Sam had come home for a holiday and found Frank pinning me down on the couch and he saw my ribs, saw that I hadn’t been eating. He finally saw what was really happening to me and he didn’t like it. Apparently college taught him some morals.” A shiver runs through Jamie and for a moment it seems as though she might throw up.  
“Sam beat Frank to death that night. When he told the court what Frank was doing to me, they let him go. Said it was self-defense.  
“That should’ve been my chance to start over but I was sent to Tarsus IV by my mother and then the famine and the genocide happened and sleeping with people was the only way to stay alive. It was the only way for me to get food.  
“I got back to Earth, and I had to deal with bulimia for a while, but I shook it. I got into bar fights because I was mad. Mad at my mother for leaving me with that man, mad at myself for not being stronger. Pike found me after a particularly brutal fight and recruited me.” Jamie sighs and runs a hand through her long hair. “That was my second chance at a new life and I took it. Kind of. I cut down on the sex and drugs and I actually started studying. Finally put this damn brain to use. But I still need something to make me feel something. To take me away from this numbness I feel every day. The stuff Casey gave me last night, I’ve never reacted like that to anything he’s given me. It made me feel too much. And I felt like I was falling apart.”  
“He gave you something different last night.” Bones speaks quietly and slowly.  
“How do you know?”  
“I took some of your blood and ran some tests. What he gave you, if you had been taking it for a few months, hell, a few weeks, you would be dead right now.” Bones grabs Jamie’s head and forces her to look at him. “Dammit, Jame, he was going to kill you.”  
Jamie flinches at his roughness but when she sees the softness in is eyes, she relaxes. She blinks slowly, processes the information and speaks in an almost inaudible tone, “Why do you care about what happens to me?”  
“Why is it so amazing to you that someone does care?”  
Jamie realizes Bones hand has slipped to the back of her neck. She closes her eyes and leans into him, fully intending to show him just how she feels about how much he cares about her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty angsty angst

“What the hell are you doing?” Bones jolts back and falls off the couch. “Were you going to kiss me?” He stands up and folds his arms across his chest.  
Jamie slumps over and stares resolutely at her hands. She nods “Bones, I-”  
I need you.   
I feel safe with you.  
I love you -   
“I need to go. Sorry.” Jamie stands up from the couch and bolts from the apartment.  
———-  
Two days later, Bones’ communicator chirps from across the room and he feels something seize up in his chest.  
He rushes towards the device, stomach in knots. He hasn’t heard from Jamie since she ran out and as much as he hates to admit it, he’s being waiting for some kind of contact with baited breath; anything for him to know she’s still alive.  
Anything to know she doesn’t hate him.  
“Hello?” Bones’ voice is gruff when he answers.  
“Hello, is this Doctor Leonard McCoy?”   
“You’re the emergency contact of the first year cadet Jamie Tiberius Kirk, ID number 1510022. Is this information correct?”  
Bones feels a lump in the back of his throat. Of course the kid made him her emergency contact. “Well, if the shoe fits. Who is this? Is Jamie okay? Where is she?” Bones feels panic grip him tight. If Jamie is hurt –  
“This is Cadet Haruhi Sulu.” The girl’s voice comes through the speaker in a suddenly soothing tone. “Cadet Kirk is here with me at Delaney’s. She got drunk,” there’s a slight pause on the other end of the line; “she’s in pretty bad shape, Doctor McCoy.”  
McCoy gives the girl a quick assurance that he will be there shortly and hangs up. He pulls on a jacket over his pajamas and races out the door.  
He makes it outside and hails a cab rather quickly, something that doesn’t typically happen for him.  
On the cab ride over, his heart is beating a pounding staccato in his chest. Jamie in bad shape is never a good thing, he’s only known her for a few months but he’s learned that much. She holds her liquor quite well; she’d have to be completely smashed to have them contact him.  
It takes more than alcohol to get her like that.  
He finally reaches the small bar located just off campus and rushes inside. He looks around for Jamie but, the only people he sees are a pretty Asian girl and, his brows knitting together in further concern, Captain Pike. “Sir, where’s Jamie? Is she okay?”  
Pike gives him an odd look and speaks. “Doctor McCoy, hello, don’t worry about Jamie, she’s back at her dorm being looked after.” Pike gestures towards a chair at the table where he’s seated. “Take a seat, Doctor.”  
Leonard slides into the chair and sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Alright. I’ll go check on her later tonight.”  
“Actually, we need to talk about that. I’m sorry, but I am going to have to ask you not to contact Kirk for a while.” Pike takes a sip of the drink in front of him.  
Bones feels an uneasiness mixed with anger rising in his throat. “Why the hell not?”  
“We have to conduct some psych evaluations, and we do not believe that having you around would be helpful.”  
Bones shakes his head and slams his hand on the table. “I’m the only person she’s got! You can’t just take her away!”  
Pike drains his glass and meets Bones’ eyes. “Now, I don’t know all of what goes on with that girl, but I do know a fair bit. I’ve been watching her since she arrived at the academy. I know she gets into a fair deal of trouble.The admiralty have been getting on me to control her but, I have always been under the impression said that she was being watched after,” a short pause marks a bite to his words, “by you.”  
“I am taking care of her!” Bones slams his fist on the table, making the girl jump. Pike remains cool perfectly composed.  
“Well, with the reports of her wandering around at night and with what happened tonight, it has become obvious that you are not doing a very good job of that.”  
“What the hell happened tonight?” Bones fixes Pike with a steely gaze. The older man is unmoved.  
It is at this moment that the girl speaks up. “My name is Haruhi Sulu. We talked earlier.” Bones narrows his eyes and nods. “Well, I was here with my girlfriend when Jamie came in tonight. She looked like crap.” Sulu pauses and runs her hand through her pixie cut. “She’s actually been looking like crap for a few days. I have some classes with her. Anyway, she didn’t drink much at first and the whole time, she just kept turning away anyone who came near her, which was a major tip-off that something was wrong. She eventually got completely wasted eventually and started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she started talking about -” Sulu looks up at Bones finally. “Well, she was crying about you. Said she was an idiot and that you hate her now and she can’t bear to look at you. I swear it was the only thing she said all night. Then she started shaking really badly and refused to talk to anyone so I called you and Pike. When I told him everything, he sent her home with Pav and kicked everyone else out of the bar.”  
Bones sits in shock, his brain swirling with thoughts of Jamie crying. He remembers the sick look on her face when she ran out two days ago and he feels his stomach turn. “You need to let me see her. I have to make this right.”  
“No, Doctor McCoy.”  
“I don’t care if you think that it will be bad for her, you have to let me see her.”  
Pike slams his hand on the tabletop. “Doctor McCoy, I was suggesting it previously but, now I am ordering that you do not go see her. Are you willing to deal with the consequences of disobeying a direct order from a superior officer?” Pike’s voice softens suddenly. “We need her to get better or she will face possible expulsion.” Chris runs a hand over his face and offers a smile to Bones. “Look, you’ve got a weeklong break. Go home to Georgia. When you come back, we will let you talk to her.” He pauses like he’s debating his previous words, “Probably.”  
Bones stands up and shrugs his jacket back on. He shakes his head. “All due respect, Captain, but, this is bullshit. I’m a doctor, let me take care of her.”  
“I’m sorry, that’s not an option at this point.”  
———-  
Bones storms out of the bar and begins the walk to Jamie’s building, Pike and the admiralty be damned. He stomps up the stairs and pounds on her door. “Jamie, open up.”  
Bones is shocked to see that it’s Christine who opens the door. She takes a look at him in his pajamas and almost smirks before stepping out of the room, the door closes behind her. “You shouldn’t be here.”  
Bones feels a growl rip its way from the back of his throat and slams his hand on the wall. “I don’t care what the admirals or Pike say. I need to see my best friend, dammit.”  
“No, that’s not it. It’s just..well,”  
“Spit it out, Chapel.”  
Christine sighs and crosses her arms, leans against the wall. “She doesn’t want to see you. You broke her heart, McCoy. Give her some time.”  
“Well, I gave her time and look where tha-” Bones freezes, his eyes go wide. “I broke her what now?”  
“She’s in love with you, Leonard.”  
In that moment, Bones finds himself speechless for the first time in his life. He stumbles away from Christine shaking his head, only snapping out of his daze when his back hits the wall behind him. He sprints away from the dorm and all the way out the door into the courtyard.   
He bends down to catch his breath, hands on his knees and he sees his bare feet. Leonard chuckles humorlessly as he realizes that he forgot to put shoes on in his rush to get to the bar. Then, he remembers the events of the bar and his conversation with Captain Pike. He punches the brick wall of the building, in anger, skin splitting open as he feels pain shoot up his arm. When he looks at his hand, he sees swathes of purple and blue beginning to color his probably shattered knuckles, blood oozes out freely between his fingers and runs along his hand and arm.   
Damn. Broken for sure. He thinks vaguely that he needs an osteoregenerator and starts towards the nearby clinic. When he arrives at the clinic, cradling his crushed hand, his coworker, Doctor Fergus, chuckles mildly and takes him over to a biobed where he immediately sets to work stitching the bone back together with the regenerator. He finishes up, wraps the hand in a cast, gives Len a hypo for the pain, and sends him on his way. No questions asked. Bones thinks vaguely that he broke protocol and didn’t even do the usual paperwork.  
At least something went his way tonight. With Pike and Christine, someone had to give him a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry....  
> feedback is welcome...?


	4. Chapter 4

Leonard sits alone in his apartment with a bottle of bourbon on the table and an empty glass in his hand. He looks at the glass with consideration. 1400 really is too early to get drunk but what else does he have going on?  
It’s not like anyone is going to come see him. He hasn’t exactly made many friends. Just Jamie  
Jamie. Dammit.  
Jamie loves him. No, Leonard already knew that. He loves her too, in the way that you love a friend.  
Jamie is in love with him. That’s new.  
Leonard wonders what kind of sick joke the universe is playing on him. He was definitely attracted to Jamie when they first met. Hell, it’d be a problem if he wasn’t attracted to her. Everyone wants Jamie.  
But since that day he’s pushed it down. He values her as a person and as a friend. He does not want to ruin that for a fling that will probably end just as badly as his marriage did. Worse, if he knows Jamie.   
Jamie is so broken, she probably is just seeking out comfort the only way she knows how. Leonard feels as if he’d be taking advantage of her if he pursued whatever this is. Besides, he doesn’t want her. Not like that.  
He’s not in love with Jamie. She’s his best friend. Jamie is a bundle of excitement and asshole-ishness with a tragic history.  
Sure, he nows that whenever she shows up it seems like his day is just a little bit better but that’s because Jamie is like the sun. She makes things brighter. Leonard can’t help but soak up her rays. Leonard wonders if he hasn’t really paid attention to Jamie, if he’s fallen prey to an act, just like the rest of...well, everyone. Jamie clearly isn’t the ray of sunshine and happiness that everyone makes her out to be. Leonard wonders if he’s never really been her friend.  
Leonard feels like an idiot. He thinks about all the time he’s brushed Jamie off as being ‘just a kid’ with no problems. He thinks about all the times he’s grumbled about his divorce and his daughter and wonders how many times she’s wanted to tell him about herself but he wouldn’t shut up.  
Leonard surmises that he is, indeed, a jackass.  
Maybe he should go home to Georgia and leave her alone for a while. He obviously didn’t care enough to actually pay attention to her.  
Just as he begins to look up shuttles to Georgia, (God, last time he was on a shuttle, she was there.) his comm chirps.  
“Leonard, I’m not supposed to do this. You owe me big time.” Christine’s voice iis harsh and clipped.  
“Wha-”  
“Hey, Bones.”  
For a minute, it’s like everything stops. Leonard sinks down onto the uncomfortable wooden chair in his kitchenette. Jamie. Talking to him. Jamie doesn’t completely hate him. He puts his head in his hand and laughs, a strangled, choking sound. He breathes out a soft, “Hey, kid.”  
“Len, I’m sorry.”  
“Sorry for what, Jamie?” Bones sighs. She shouldn’t be sorry for anything. He should be begging forgiveness right now...and she’s apologizing.  
“I’m sorry for trying to kiss you. I’m sorry I make you take care of me. I’m sorry I’m in love with you.”  
Leonard shakes his head even though Jamie can’t see him. “You don’t have to be sorry for that. For any of it. I consider myself lucky to have someone like you trust me and love me.”  
Jamie’s voice is unsure, quiet in a way that Leonard has never heard before. “Bones, I want to be with you. I’ve never actually wanted to be with someone before, and I’m scared.”  
Leonard sighs and feels his heart clench in his chest. She still trusts him so completely. “Jame, you’re sick right now. I don’t want you to do something you might regret. I feel like I’d be taking advantage of your instability.”  
Jamie’s voice is desperate as she speaks, “You wouldn’t-”   
Leonard lets out an exasperated noise and cuts her off. “Just get help, kid. Get better. For me.”  
There are a few seconds of silence in which Leonard can hear ragged breathing that tells him Jamie is crying. “If I get better, will you want to be with me?”  
The question leaves Leonard’s head spinning. It’s so honest coming from her. He hear her nervousness coming through the line and bleeding through her voice. He thinks about it for a moment. Will he want to be with her?  
He can honestly say he doesn’t know.  
“If you get better, we’ll talk.”  
Bones hears Jamie mumble something about Pike and then a click as the connection is cut off. Bones stares at the wall in front of him.  
He made the right decision. He knows that all of this is for Jamie.  
He knows that Jamie will be different and probably not want him when all of this is done. She won’t need him anymore. That’s good.  
But a selfish part of him doesn’t want that.  
The bourbon on the table is forgotten as Leonard walks from the room.  
\-----  
Four hours after the call from Jamie, Leonard is boarding a shuttle headed for Georgia. He feels panic grip him tight as he sits in his seat. No one sits beside him.   
Everyone seems to want to avoid the slightly green man who is holding onto his armrests with a white-knuckled grip.  
He vaguely wishes Jamie were with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah oops


	5. Chapter 5

Leonard is greeted by two very familiar things when he steps off the shuttle in Georgia. The first is muggy heat. The second is Jocelyn and Joanna.  
“Daddy!” Joanna shrieks and runs to her father, who scoops her up in his arms and swings her around. He settles her on his hip and turns to face his ex wife.  
“Hello.” Jocelyn’s voice is friendly but clipped. She offers a small smile to Leonard, who returns the gesture.  
“Hey, Jocelyn. How’s Clay?”  
Joanna starts bouncing up and down. “Mister Clay is on a trip this week!” The six year old’s voice is giddy with excitement as she cups a hand over her father’s ear and leans in to whisper to him. “I like you a much more than Mister Clay, Daddy.”  
Leonard chuckles and kisses his daughter’s cheek. “Thanks, pumpkin.”  
Jocelyn stands a few yards away from them with her hands clasped in front of her. Her expression is closed off but not unpleasant. She speaks up finally after Joanna has chattered on for a good ten minutes. “Jo-Jo, why don’t you come here so your dad can get his bags?” She holds her arms out and her daughter walks over as soon as Leonard puts her down.  
Leonard smiles in thanks and moves to pick up his bags and follow them out to the car. When he catches up to them, Joanna holds his hand. He turns to Jocelyn once more. “Thanks for letting me see her.”  
\------

Jocelyn drops Len and Joanna at his mother’s house before leaving for work. She smiles and says she’ll be back around seven the next morning to pick up Joanna for school. Leonard feels something tighten in his chest when he realizes that he missed her first ever day of school.

Leonard notices that Jocelyn looks happier than she did while they were married and he can’t help but smile. While there had been hard feelings immediately following the divorce, she had been one of his best friends for six years. They had started talking again about two months ago and realized that it was for the best. Leonard felt no animosity towards the woman for getting out of a marriage she wasn’t happy in.

Len watches as his daughter runs up the front stairs of the big white house and knocks on the door. His mother opens the door with a grin and squats down to Joanna’s height. The older woman wraps Joanna in a tight hug. When she sees Leonard standing in the grass watching them, she waves him over with a laugh and one hand on her hip.

“Leonard, I must say I was surprised when I found out you’d be comin’ home for your break.” Eleanora’s drawl is sweet and comforting as she wraps Leonard up in a hug. 

He wraps his arms around his mother tightly and feels his own accent thicken as he speaks, “Well, I needed to get away for a while, Momma.”

His mother pulls away for a moment and searches his face. She smiles and leads them inside.

Two hours later, Len watches his daughter play with her grandmother. The little girl tilts her head back and giggles, her green eyes crinkling at the corners. His mother chuckles and stands up, excuses herself to go prepare dinner. She plants a kiss on Leonard’s forehead. 

Leonard watches as Joanna continues to play with her dolls for another 20 minutes before she loses interest in her playing and starts to ‘tickle’ her father. She climbs onto his lap and digs her fingers into his sides, causing a bit more pain than probably intended, but Leonard laughs all the same. He pulls her close to her chest and kisses the top of her head. “I missed you a lot, baby doll.”

“And I missed you, Pa.” Joanna pushes off his chest and settles in his lap, facing him, giggling a bit. “Daddy, why didn’t you bring MIss Jamie with you?” The little girl tilts her head to the side, eyes wide.

Leonard stares at his daughter in shock. “How do you know Jamie?”

“Well, sometimes when I try to call you, you’re not there but Miss Jamie is. So she talks to me about you. She’s really nice, Daddy.” Joanna moves her long brown hair out of her face and makes a face that is far too contemplative for a six year old. “Do you love Jamie? Are you going to marry her?”

Leonard coughs and sputters, searching for the right words to say to his young daughter who seems to be far too involved in his love life.

“Jo, Darlin. What did I tell you about overwhelming your Daddy? Now, come in here and help me finish up dinner.” Leonard’s mother stands in the doorway of the living room, hands on her hips. Her expression is warm as she speaks to her granddaughter. “Leonard, go wash up. Dinner’ll be ready in a few minutes and you won’t be eating with dirty hands.” 

Leonard sighs and stalks back to the bathroom, grumbling under his breath about how he’s not a goddamn child, dammit. He washes his hands and his face before going into his room to change out of his smelly shirt. He strains to listen to the laughter and conversation coming from the kitchen.

Joanna and his mother continue talking cheerily throughout dinner and he feels something warm settle in his chest. Of all the things he missed, this was the thing he longed for most of all, family dinners. It was almost strange without Jocelyn but not bad. The people he loved most were here. 

Jocelyn and him had both agreed that they needed to get out of a marriage where the love that should’ve been there, wasn’t. Leonard had felt numb after his father’s death and had, in turn, ignored Jocelyn to the point where she had turned to Clay for what she wasn’t getting at home.

Not that Leonard regrets marrying her, he got Joanna.

And if not for the Divorce, he never would have joined Starfleet and met Jamie. He can’t say he lost. Not really.

When dinner is done and Jo is finally put down for the night, Eleanora pulls Leonard into the kitchen and makes them tea with honey. She finishes and sits down across from her son at the small kitchen table. She pats his hand.

“What do you have on your mind, Ma?” Leonard asks, recognizing the thoughtful gleam in his mother’s eyes.

Eleanora sighs and smiles slightly. “That girl of yours, Jamie, she’s lovely. I’ve spoken to her a few times with Jo,” She pauses for a moment and takes a sip of her tea. “She’s special, Leonard.”

Len clears his throat uncomfortable before responding. “Ma, we’re not- she’s not my- Jamie is my best friend. We’re just friends.”

Eleanora fixes Leonard with a scrutinizing gaze that makes him shift uncomfortable in his seat. He casts his eyes downward to his steaming cup. “But you want her to be, don’t you?”

“No! She’s my friend, she needs a friend, not someone who’ll take advantage of her emotional state.”

“Leonard Horatio McCoy, you listen here, and you listen good. That girl is in love with you and I know you love her too. You’re just like your Daddy. You wear your heart on your face. I can tell you love her because when I brought her up your eyes went all dreamy and stupid. Don’t blither on about ‘takin advantage.’ Do something about how you feel! Girls like her don’t stick around forever.”  
\----------

On Thursday Leonard feels stuck. He has been thinking about Jamie all week and wants to get back to take care of her but he’s not sure what he would really be able to do once he gets there.

He also hates to leave Georgia. His daughter and mother have been able to cheer him up like nothing else during his visit. Georgia is his home.

His mind wanders as he sits on the porch in the sunshine. The humid early March air feels like a hug: warm and all encompassing. He thinks that he ought to bring Jamie here some day.

The thought of Jamie brings his mothers flooding through his mind. Her strong willed voice rings through, “Girls like her don’t stick around forever.” He had brushed her off at first but soon found himself wondering about the accusations she had made. Did she see something that he himself didn’t?

Leonard had told himself she was crazy. Now, as he thinks about it, he thinks that maybe he’s the crazy one. He thinks that maybe his feelings for Jamie run deeper than previously thought.

He doesn’t just want to be friends with her. He wants to be with her, to hold her and kiss her. He loves her.

Leonard is suddenly unable to breathe. He feels as though someone has taken his lungs and replaced them with lead weights. Of all the things he expected when joining up with Starfleet, falling in love was the last.

Falling in love with Jamie Kirk, daughter of a legend, wasn’t even on the list.

And now he doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know if he can go back there and tell her. He doesn’t know if she’ll want him after he abandoned her and told her he doesn’t want her. He doesn’t know how to help her. She needs help.

She deserves so much better than him.  
Bones considers comming Christine but he feels like the first person to know (beside his mother) should be Jamie. He owes her that much.

As much as he hates to leave Georgia, he has to get back to San Fransisco.

While he is booking a shuttle, (and attempting to ignore the butterflies swooping around in his stomach, he thinks he might vomit) his comm goes off. He answers it with caution, not quite ready to talk to Jamie yet.

“Hello?”

“Doctor McCoy, we’re going to be moving Jamie to a facility where she can be under constant supervision of medical personnel.” The cold voice of an unnamed man comes through the comm and Bones’ heart stops.

“No, you can’t do that to her.”


	6. Chapter 6

Jamie shakes in her bed. Her head pounds like a kickdrum. She’s spent the last week being talked to, people getting into her head. They say they’re trying to ‘fix her.’

She wants Bones, but they won’t let her see him. She hasn’t spoken to him for a week. Jamie feels lonelier than she ever has.

She has to go back to class in a day. The break is almost over. She dreads facing Bones and her classmates but she longs to get out of her room and do something.

Christine walks into the room. Jamie has grown to appreciate the blonde nurse. She’s been looking after Jamie this week and has been understanding and kind with gentle hands and soft words. Jamie has never been so appreciative of a woman in her entire life.

She watches as Christine takes the only suitcase Jamie owns out of the closet. Jamie remembers when she bought the bag. She had purchased it in case she ever needed to run away. She longed to use it now.

Christine takes Jamie’s uniforms off their hangers and places them in the bag. When she puts Jamie’s civvies in the black suitcase, Jamie decides it’s time to speak up.

“What are you doing?” Jamie sits up in her bed, body still shaking.  
Christine smiles. It’s a smile that is more pity than anything else. A smile that Jamie is pretty sure is a requirement to become a nurse. “They’ve decided it’s in everyone’s best interest to move you somewhere you can be under constant medical observation. temporarily, of course.”  
“Are they moving me into a hospital? I will not be moved into a hospital.” Jamie speaks defiantly.  
Christine sighs and finishes putting clothes and shoes into the bag. “No. You’re going to be staying with Doctor McCoy. When he heard you were being taken out of classes, he volunteered.”  
Jamie jumps out of bed, ignoring the pounding in her head. Her hair is wild and her eyes have dark circles under them. “They’re taking me out of classes?”

“Just for two weeks.”

“And I’m moving in with Bones.” Jamie’s stomach has taken up residence in her feet at this point. “Great. This won’t be weird at all.”

Christine says nothing. She simply goes into the bathroom and retrieves Jamie’s toothbrush and toothpaste to pack away. She grabs a fresh change of clothes and holds them out for Jamie, who takes them begrudgingly.

When Jamie is dressed in her black shorts and green shirt and her hair is brushed, she returns to Christine. The blond nurse grabs her elbow gently and pulls her out of the room.

Jamie is silent the whole way to Bones’ place. She sees Chapel sneaking worried glances at her. Jamie crosses her arms and stares out the window resolutely. She refuses to look at Christine. She knows it’s not the nurse’s fault but she can’t help but feel some resentment.

Finally, Jamie speaks up when they’re outside of Bones’ apartment. “I can’t just miss two weeks of classes.”

“You won’t You’ll have tutors coming here and catching you up everyday. You’ll still have to do work.” Christine smiles softly at Jamie and places a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

The door slides open a moment later and Bones is standing there with an expression Jamie can’t quite place when he looks at her. His arms are crossed and he leans against the door, tension obvious in his stance.

“Hey, Jamie.” Bones’ voice sounds oddly strained when he speaks to her. It sounds like it does whenever he talks about Jo.

“Hey, Len.” Jamie smiles tightly and pushes past him. Bones seems to experience a moment of shock before recovering and turning Christine.

“Thanks for bringing her over. I’ll comm you if I have any problems.” He closes the door and turns to Jamie. He walks towards her and Jamie feels her heart stop for a moment when he reaches out but he just grabs the bags from her and walks down the hall to the extra bedroom that, as far as Jamie knows, has never been used. Her breath catches as she remembers their last conversation. Bones doesn’t want her and he’s hoping she’ll get better and get over him.

And it hurts because Jamie’s never actually needed anyone the way she needs Bones. Now she understands why they call it a crush. She feels like she’s been hit by a truck.

She feels her headache come back in full force and she itches for a hypo of something to make her feel anything but this. She pinches the bridge of her nose and sits down on the bed. She hisses at the pain in her head.  
“Jamie? Are you okay?” Bones reaches out and places a hand on her shoulder. Jamie wants to brush it off, but she can’t find the strength or will to do it. “Jesus, kid. You’re shaking.”  
Jamie laughs mirthlessly. “Been like this all week. It’s not from drugs, haven’t touched the stuff since you found me.” She tries to push away from Bones but he won’t let her.

Bones wraps his arms around Jamie and mutters something about withdrawal. He shushes Jamie, who hadn’t even realized she was crying, and holds her tighter, presumably to get her to stop shaking.

Jamie’s body is still shaking slightly when she eventually falls asleep sitting up in Bones’ arms, that she can’t quite place but she recognizes Casey’s voice ringing through it all.


	7. Chapter 7

“Hello?” Leonard comes home to find Haruhi Sulu in his kitchenette making tea.

He is surprised, to say the least.

Upon turning to face the small living room area, he finds Jamie sitting on the couch with a tall, skinny girl with long, curly, dark blonde hair. The girl is gesturing wildly while speaking quickly with a think accent. She looks painfully young. Leonard clears his throat.

The girl stops talking and turns to smile brightly at Leonard. Jamie looks at him, a small smile tugging the corners of her mouth up. She has that empty look in her eyes that has been ever-present as of recent.

Or maybe it’s always been there.

Len speaks finally, “Who the hell are you?” His face is set in his usual scowl.

“Len, this is Chekov. Pavel Chekov. She and Haru are tutoring me while I’m out on my little mental vacation.” Jamie’s voice is steadier than it’s been for a while, but Leonard can tell she’s faking. Her shoulders are trembling.

Sulu walks over to the sofa and places a mug of tea in front of Chekov and presses a kiss to her cheek. Leonard’s head spins.

“Wait, you two are together? How old are you, kid?” Leonard points an accusing finder at Chekov.

“Fifteen, sir.” The thick Russian accent of the girl only serves to make her seem younger. Bones points at Sulu, who wraps an arm protectively around Pavel’s shoulder.

“Eighteen, sir. Not that it’s really any of your business.” Sulu’s eyes are hard and challenging.

“Pav and Haru are the cutest couple on the command track. If I could ever get half of what they have, it’ll be a miracle.” Jamie smiles and Pavel blushes.

Leonard winces at the blunt honesty in those words. He doesn’t miss the hopeful look Jamie shoots him across the room. For some reason, he finds himself shaking his head. He sees Jamie visibly crumple and something clenches inside his chest. He opens his mouth to speak but Jamie cuts him off.

“Well, Len. If you don’t mind, we need to get back to this.” Jamie motions to the PADDs laid out on the table.

\------

Jamie is curled up on a chair in the corner of the room when Len comes out of his bedroom a few hours later. The lights are all off, the shades drawn. Jamie’s chest rises and falls steadily. A shudder runs through her body. Leonard recognizes the blue flannel shirt she’s wearing as his own. Something stirs in his chest.

Something warm stirs. Leonard pushes it down resolutely. Jamie is his friend. She needs a friend. She doesn’t need his emotional vomit right now.

He doubts that Jamie’s ever had a real friend before and he is determined to be just that for her. Nothing more, for now. He needs to give everything a while to calm down.

Jamie starts shaking again and Leonard wonders what she could possibly be dreaming about. He knows that she has a journal in which she writes down everything- including her dreams. Her therapist had ordered it. Leonard knows, however, that reading her journal is a line he cannot cross.

Jamie is sick, and he is supposed to be taking care of her but she deserved privacy.

Leonard walks to the kitchen and begins preparing a small dinner for the two of them. He pokes around and finds some spaghetti he doesn’t remember buying. While he waits for the water to boil, he watches Jamie sleep. (He recognizes how creepy this may seem, but he’s her medical supervision, he can observe her if necessary.)

Jamie starts muttering and tossing around. The water boils. Len turns away momentarily to put the pasta in the water. Jamie is still restless when he turns back, only now there are tears streaming down her face. He decides now would be a good time to wake her up to get ready for dinner. He crosses the room quietly and pauses for a second, taking in Jamie’s face for a moment.

She looks so scared. Jamie’s face is usually so well composed that it floors Leonard for a moment to see such raw emotions playing across her sleeping face. He grasps her shoulder and shakes gently, coaxing her out of sleep with soft murmuring.

Jamie blinks up at him and smiles. “Jamie, dinner’s going to be done soon. Why don’t you go wash up?”

Jamie blinks and nods dumbly before standing up. She’s slightly unsteady for a moment before she regains her balance and walks back to her room. Leonard watches her go before returning to the kitchen to finish dinner. He strains the spaghetti and pulls out some leftover salad from the fridge.

He’s just finishing setting the food on the small kitchen table when Jamie comes back into the room. He smiles softly at her, taken aback by how beautiful she looks with her hair brushed back into a messy bun.

“Are you...feeling okay?” Len asks cautiously.

Jamie tenses slightly, her shoulders rise and her mouth fixes itself into a tight line. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you seemed quite restless when you were sleeping.”

“Why are you being like this?”

Leonard freezes. “Being like what?”

“Everyone is walking on eggshells and constantly asking if I’m okay! I’ve gotten this far without you, I’ll be fine! This is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d get all weird.” Jamie gestures wildly with her hands as she talks.

“Has it ever occurred to you that I actually care about you?” Leonard is met with crossed arms and an expression that clearly says ‘I don’t believe a single word you’re saying.’

Leonard stands up from the table with a heavy sigh and walks to the door, slipping on his shoes. “Whatever. I’m going for a walk. Sort yourself out.” He leaves the room with a few select curses.

Jamie is still sitting at the table.

\------

An hour passes and Bones still hasn’t returned. Jamie is trying not to cry. She finally pushed even him away. She has no one.

She paces around the apartment, chewing on her nails nervously. She glances at the chronometer constantly. The minutes tick by and there is no sign of Bones.

She hears a knock on the door and sprints over. She opens the door and gasps. She fumbles to close the door but Casey has already shoved his way inside.

“Haven’t seen you in a while. I was starting to get worried.” He turns to her, a grin on his face. “Surely you need a hit?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo cliffhanger!  
> feedback is appreciated!   
> tumblr: bandsnakes


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing Leonard thinks upon stepping outside is how much colder it is here compared to Georgia. He wanders aimlessly up the block that his building is on and finds himself in the courtyard he found Jamie in two weeks ago. He shivers and walks over to a bench, sitting down and leaning his head back. He shuts his eyes and lets himself think.

When Jamie had moved in, he had every intention of telling her how he feels about her but something kept holding him back. He was inexplicably scared out of his mind. He didn’t want to mess up and push her even further away. He knows she needs help but he doesn’t know how to help her and it drives him crazy.

She pushes away anyone who tries to help her. She can’t seem to comprehend someone caring for her and loving her. It’s almost as if she wants to be alone in this fight of her. Like she wants everyone to leave her. Leonard refuses to leave her. How could he? She’s the sweetest thing he’s ever known.

He feels desperate and lost. Two weeks ago, he felt fine. Now, it feels like drowning whenever he thinks about his best friend. He wishes it would all just stop. That he could have two minutes to put his mind back together and work this thing with Jamie out.

He knows he doesn’t have that luxury, though. With Jamie, nothing stops. Everything moves to quickly, blink and you’ll miss it. He doesn’t want to miss anything. His eyes are always open.  
\------

“No, Casey. Get out.” Jamie places her hands on her hips defiantly. She doesn’t need what he’s offering and she needs him to see that. She needs to prove it to herself.

Having him here makes her sick to her stomach.

“I see you’re shacking up with the doctor, slut.” Casey ignores her protests and speaks coolly. His voice is harsh and cruel as he spits his words at her like venom. “Come on, you know you want some. It’ll only cost you a fuck and you know I can make you feel so good.”

Jamie shivers as he draws close to her and wraps an arm around her waist. He pulls her flush against his chest and begins kissing her neck. His mouth is warm and wet. Two weeks ago she would’ve leaned into the touch but now it just makes her sick. She tries to shove him away from her but he holds tighter and bites down on her neck. Her eyes prick up with tears. “No. Get off of me.”

Casey growls and moves his hand lower to cup her ass. His other hand slides between them to grab her breast. He kneads gently and continues sucking bruises onto her skin. She struggles more, attempting to twist out of his grip, but he doesn’t relent, moving his mouth from her neck to her ear. His grip is far to tight, bruising, for her to escape. “Come on, slut. You know you want this. I’m doing you a favor.” Jamie’s breath catches at the familiar words. Casey backs her up further into the room and pushes Jamie back onto the couch. She flops down with no grace, the wind knocked out of her for only a few seconds as he stares hungrily down at her. He turns his back for a moment and she jumps up and runs down the hall to Bones’ bedroom. Heavy footsteps follow her. Casey grabs her by the hair and places a hand over her mouth. “You can’t run from me.”

A rush of memories and emotions flood her mind and seem to seep into her muscles and veins. She starts crying as he pulls her hair again. His voice seems to not be his own anymore as he speaks harshly to her. He calls her a slut and a whore. Says she was stupid to try and get away from him. He insists that he needs her. She tries to hold back the sobs, terrified that if she makes any noise he doesn’t like that he’ll hit her again.

No, not again. Casey never hit you. This is Casey. Casey.

Jamie hears Casey pull something out of his pocket and feels cold metal press against her neck. The click of a button. The hiss of a hypo and Jamie’s world starts to spin as Casey throws her onto Bones’ bed. For a moment, Jamie swears she sees someone that she knows is dead.

\-----

Leonard comes to his conclusion after a little more than an hour of walking aimlessly around campus. He has to tell Jamie that he loves her. She trusted him enough to tell him her story. He should not be afraid to tell her how he feels.

Yet, terror still fills his veins as he makes the trip back home. His stomach does a gymnastics routine with every step he takes. Leonard is scared.

Leonard stands in front of his building for what seems like an eternity, just staring at it. He sets his jaw and walks inside. He decides to take the elevator, knowing that he’ll have to wait for it. He needs the time to collect himself.

The elevator arrives and he steps inside, pushing the button for his floor. His stomach churns as it moves upwards. The spaghetti from earlier that night threatens to make a return appearance all over his shoes.

He walks down the hall to his room and pauses before gingerly pressing his thumb to the scanner and opening the door. He walks into his apartment and immediately looks to the kitchen for Jamie.

There is no one in the kitchen or living room. He hears whimpering and grunting coming from down the hall and his heart stops. A sound like a sob reaches his ears and Leonard sprints to Jamie’s room. Empty. He turns around and looks into his own room.

The fear that had previously gripped him turns quickly to anger. Casey is pinning Jamie down, straddling her on Leonard’s bed. Her hands are pinned above her head and she squirms as best as she can with the man’s heavy weight on top of her. She turns her head to the door and sees Leonard. “Bones!”

“Your boyfriend isn’t here to save you, bitch.” Casey pulls at the blue flannel shirt, popping the buttons off. “Now shut your mouth before I make you.”

Leonard is across the room in a split second. He grabs Casey by the upper arm with a tight grip and rips him off Jamie. Fear flashes momentarily through Casey’s eyes and his mouth falls open slightly. “Don’t you ever touch her” Leonard throws him down onto the ground. “Again.”

Casey scrambles to get to his feet, but Leonard punches him in the nose, then the stomach. He throws a punch to the side of Casey’s head that brings him to the ground again. “I can’t believe you’re defending that dumb slut.” Casey’s nose is bleeding. He uses the back of his hand to wipe at the trail of blood making its way down his face.

Bones lunges forward at him, a low growl rips its way from his throat. He lands several good kicks to his abdomen and ribcage before jumping on top of the other male and punching him in the face repeatedly. He vaguely hears Jamie shout, “No, stop!” But he ignores it, more focused on the task at hand. He pounds relentlessly on Casey.

“No, Sam! Don’t kill him!” Jamie cries out before letting out a shocked gasp. Leonard’s fists still finally. His head snaps up. He sees Jamie curled up on the bed, knees tucked up to her chest, face buried in her hands. Her body wracks with sobs. Leonard looks down at Casey. He takes in the other male’s bruised and battered face, sees the bruises forming on his torso and the nose that is definitely broken, if the angle of it is anything to go off of. Suddenly Leonard is sick. Of course this brought back memories of Sam and Frank.

Leonard almost made her live through that twice over and he hates himself for it. He checks Casey’s pulse. Still alive but definitely in need of medical attention. Knowing he can’t do it in his present state of mind, Leonard calls medical and tells them to come immediately. He turns his attention back to Jamie, finally.

Leonard almost wishes he hadn’t. Jamie is shaking awfully and whimpering. She’s crying. Leonard stands up and walks over to the bed. He sits down and wipes the blood off his hands with some of the tissues he keeps by the bed. He pulls her head into his lap and strokes her honey blond hair. She lets loose a loud sob and her whole body convulses. Leonard shushes her. “It’s over, Jamie. You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

Jamie sits herself up and looks at Leonard through watery eyes. “Bones.” She breathes the nickname reverently. She shifts herself to cling to his torso. He responds immediately, wrapping one arm around her waist and placing the other on the back of her head. He twines his fingers into her hair gently. Jamie repeats “Bones, Bones, Bones” over and over again as though she can’t believe he’s there.

“I’m here, Jamie. I’ve got you.” Bones murmurs into her hair, his grip remaining tight. He realizes she’s only in her bra, having been rid of her shirt by Casey. His arms tighten as though he’s trying to shield her from prying eyes that aren’t there.

“Bones. My Bones.” Jamie cries violently. “My Bones. You’re here.”

“That’s right, Jamie. I’m here. I’m yours. All yours.”

Jamie speaks shakily, as though her tongue is a heavy weight in her mouth. “Bones, he gave me something. I tried to fight it but I can’t. I feel so sick and I can’t-” Jamie’s body goes tense before turning limp as she cuts off. Bones shakes her and tries to wake her, to no avail. 

“Jamie? Jamie! Oh God, you can’t do this to me, dammit!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> third chapter of the day! you guys are totally spoiled!  
> Feedback is appreciated! tumblr: bandsnakes


	9. Chapter 9

Bones sits by the biobed, each beep of the machinery sending jolts of nervous energy through his body. He sits for what seems like an eternity. Whatever Casey gave her caused a serious reaction. Jamie’s been out for three hours and counting. Her hand feels cold in his.

“Jamie. Just when I was getting this all figured out. Now look at us.” Bones holds her hand tighter. “God, I’ve been an idiot.”

Jamie’s face is pale. Bones checks her readings again. She’s stable. She’ll get better, Bones knows this but he can’t seem to silence the ‘what if’s’ in the back of his mind. As a doctor, he should be comforted by the fact that she’s going to be okay. As someone in love with Jamie, he’s finding himself to be quite panicked.

Jamie’s always had a knack for turning everything he knows upside down.

“Please, Jamie. Please, just wake up so I can tell you-“ He pauses, willing the tears out of his eyes. “So I can tell you-“

“So you can tell her what?” Bones whips his head around to look towards the source of the voice. It’s Pike wearing civvies and looking extremely concerned.

Bones stands and crosses the room. “Sir, I’m sorry about this. I thought you should be alerted. Jamie always seemed to like you.” He stands awkwardly in front of the captain. “I’ll go now, give you some privacy.”

Pike shakes his head and laughs. He grabs Bones’ shoulder firmly and turns him around so that he is facing Jamie again. “No, don’t leave. I know how much you care for her. I could never expect you to leave her. Not like this.” Pike walks them both over to the seats by the bedside. Bones sinks down and immediately picks up her hand again. “Is this what you were going to tell her?”

“Yes.”

Pike smiles softly and sits down. He leans back in his seat and turns his head, appraising the other man. His eyes travel from the crease in Bones’ brow down to where his hand lays on the bed, twined with Jamie’s limp hand. “She’s like a daughter to me, you know. Met her a few times at the memorial services they held each year for her father. She was so young then, she probably doesn’t remember but I never forgot. Even when she stopped going to those god-awful services, I kept an eye on her. She’s like a daughter to me and I find myself very protective of her.”

Bones speaks quickly, “Sir, I-“

“That being said,” Pike cuts Bones off with a raised eyebrow. “I couldn’t ask for a gentleman more worthy of my little girl. You’re a good man, Leonard. I only hope that you remain that way.”

Bones doesn’t respond because he doesn’t know what to say. He simply smiles and traces circles on the back of Jamie’s hand with his thumb. Pike doesn’t try to spark conversation. They sit and listen to the whirring of machinery and the soft, steady breathing of the girl lying in bed.

Twenty minutes later, Pike’s comm chirps. He mutters a few words into the device before snapping it shut. “Casey’s been arrested. He’ll face trial but it doesn’t look good. There have been reports and warnings issued to Cadet Casey many times.”

Bones sighs in relief and it feels like he’s been holding his breath for hours. He had been too preoccupied with worrying about Jamie to worry about Casey, but the news comes as a relief. “There’s no way he’ll get away with it. He’ll go to jail for a long time.” Pike assures him, and it feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Pike stands up and pulls on his leather jacket. He shakes Bones’ hand and leaves, asking him to comm him when Jamie wakes up so he can talk to her and make sure she’s alright. Bones promises to do so.

“Jamie, he cares about you a lot. I know you say that you’re alone…but I don’t think you ever have been. I think there’s always been someone there if you needed them. I’m here. I just wish you would wake up so I could tell you.”

Christine enters the room eventually and hands Bones a cup of coffee before sitting next to him. “You need to sleep eventually, McCoy.” She speaks with no force behind her words, though, so Bones knows she understands. He knows that she understands the fact that he can’t sleep until she’s awake and she knows how he feels. Christine sits beside him and drinks her coffee in companionable silence. She occasionally reaches out to smooth the blankets on Jamie’s bed.

Eventually she has to go back on shift, so she pats Leonard’s knee once, brushes a strand of hair out of Jamie’s face, and leaves the room in silence. Leonard watches her leave and feels a surge of affection for the nurse. She really cares about Jamie and Bones.

Bones watches as Jamie’s eyelids flicker once, twice, a million times before finally opening. She looks around, confused and disoriented for a few moments. Her fingers tighten around Bones’ and she turns her head to face him. A small smile tugs her lips upward and she blinks slowly. Bones feels his heart clench with affection. "Hey, Bones."

"I almost lost you, kid."

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that."

Bones leans forwards and skates his fingers along her jaw. Her eyelids flutter. He leans in and brushes his lips against hers for a moment, mumbling "Don't you ever do that to me again, darlin'." against her lips. She laughs and grabs the back of his neck, pulling him in and kissing him with more force than Bones thinks should be possible for someone who was drugged and unconscious.

When Jamie pulls back after a few seconds, her eyes are full of questions. "Bones, why is this happening now? I don't want this if you just feel sorry for me or something."

Bones laughs and shakes his head. "I've been meaning to do that for two weeks. Jamie, I love you. I was just too stupid to ever tell you that."

Jamie laughs and smacks him lightly on the arm. "Well, I could've told you that you're an idiot. I love you too, in case you were wondering." 

Bones grins and tangles his fingers with hers once more. He presses kisses to her eyelids, nose, and each of her fingertips before finally kissing her lips again. Jamie lets out a huff of breath before responding. They kiss lazily for what seems like an eternity and not nearly long enough before they here a chuckle and the familiar voice of Christine.

“Well, if this isn’t the best thing I’ve seen all day!” She claps her hands lightly and nods towards Bones. “Glad you got it figured out, Doctor.” She smiles at Jamie, who grins back, and walks in to check her readings and take notes. “I would say the Doctor will be in shortly, but we’ve had a hard time making him leave.” She hands the padd she’s holding to Bones and leaves the room.

Bones laughs, feeling lighter than he has in weeks. Jamie squeezes his fingers. “How long was I out?” 

Bones checks the chronometer on the wall. “About four hours.”

“And you didn’t leave? Not even to get food or sleep?”

Bones kisses her lightly and brushes the hair out of her face. “How could I ever leave you now that I’ve got you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally some cute stuff!  
> tumblr: fabtrek


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG I WAS IN DISNEY WORLD OOPS!

The cool air in the office causes goosebumps to prick up on Jamie’s arms. She shifts in the worn brown leather chair, fingers drumming an irregular beat on the arm. She keeps her eyes glued to her lap.

“So, why don’t you tell me what happened?” The woman sitting across from her, Dr. Lara Moore, asks finally after several minutes of silence. The therapist’s hair is pulled into a tight ponytail, her long fingers hold a pen, twirling it rather than keeping it poised to write on the pad in front of her.

Jamie glances up through her lashes, “You already know. I know you know.”

“I want you to tell me.”

“Well,” Jamie wraps her arms around herself, as though she can hold herself together this way. “Bones had left because I yelled at him. Casey showed up. He pushed his way into the apartment and tried to get me to take something and sleep with him again.” Jamie looks up for the first time, eyes watery but determined. “I said no. I said no and told him to leave but he pushed me. I ran to Bones’ room to try and get away but he grabbed me and threw me down on the bed. He tried to...” Jamie feels tears streaming down her face and color comes to her cheeks. She tries to speak, but her throat closes up and she cannot continue. She feels ashamed, embarrassed. She sinks back into the seat, as if it could swallow her up and make her disappear.

Dr. Moore speaks slowly, “He drugged you and tried to rape you; that is not your fault. You tried to stand up to him. You have no reason to be ashamed.” Doctor Moore’s smooth voice is calm and sure as she speaks.

Jamie looks Dr. Moore in the eye and speaks slowly. Her voice is quiet and clean. “It is definitely my fault. I sought him out in the first place. I let him into my life. I never got the help I needed. This all happened because I am weak because I let my childhood affect me.” Jamie wipes the tears off her cheeks and stares resolutely. “Now, aren’t you supposed to fix me or something?”

Dr Moore shakes her head and smiles sadly. “I can’t fix you. I can help, but it’s up to you to let these things go and realize that not everything is your fault.” She writes something down on her notepad. “Now, let’s talk about Frank. Doctor McCoy said you shouted something about your brother when he was defending you from Casey?”

Jamie feels a shudder roll through her. She shakes out her shoulders quickly. “When he was-when Casey was doing what he did” She pauses for a moment, her next statement said with a thick throat, “I swear it was Frank. I was fourteen again and it was Frank and I couldn’t fight anymore. I was so scared. He’s dead! He’s dead! Sam killed him but I swear it wasn’t Casey anymore.” She shakes her head slowly and laughs bitterly. “I know. I’m really fucking screwed up.”

\-----  
Bones returns to the apartment from his shift at the hospital to find Jamie curled up on the couch with the lights dimmed. He jumps and nearly yells but realizes this is the first time she’s slept in a long time. “Lights, 23%” The lights come up a bit, just enough for him to put away his things and grab a blanket. He places it over her sleeping form and brushes some hair away from her face, placing a kiss on her temple. 

Jamie mumbles and turns over in her sleep, “Mm, Bones?” She reaches a hand out blindly, she refuses to open her eyes. 

“Yeah, Jame?”

“Come here.” She pulls up the edge of the blanket and scoots over, patting the space next to her on the couch. 

Bones laughs and shakes his head. He grabs Jamie’s hand and pulls her into a sitting position. “There’s not enough room for me on that little thing, darlin’. Why don’t we go back to the bed. It’ll be more comfortable, for sure.” He pulls her to her feet and guides her to the bedroom.

“Already to the bed? Wow, Bones. We’ve only been together for three days, buy a girl dinner first.” Jamie grins sleepily and kisses his cheek when they finally reach the bed. She crawls under the blankets and looks at Bones through heavily lidded eyes. “I got discharged earlier and knew you were working so I took a cab.” She offers an explanation as to why she was lying on the couch finally. “Now, come on. You need sleep, I know it.”

Bones sighs and strips off his white pants and tunic, leaving him in a white undershirt and boxers. He lifts up the blanket and crawls in beside Jamie. He moves her over a little bit. (Damn kid laying in the middle of the bed. No room for him.) She lays her head on his chest and drapes her arm and leg over his body possessively. “Goddamn octopus woman. I can barely breathe.”

Jamie hums and huffs out a silent laugh that Bones can feel warm against his chest. She wraps her arms tightly around him and Bones squawks, making fake choking sounds. “Now I’m an octopus.” She loosens her grip and returns to her previous position. Bones runs a hand through her hair and she leans into the touch. “Can we just talk for a while? I can’t really sleep.”

“Sure, kid. What do you wanna talk about?”

“I went to see Dr. Moore today.” She nuzzles into Bones’ chest and sighs. “She says I blame myself for things that aren’t my fault.”

Bones twirls a strand of her hair around his index finger and speaks softly, “You do tend to do that, kid. You take all of this guilt onto yourself. You’re gunna break eventually.”

Jamie laughs, a light breathy giggle that sounds strangely happier than Bones has ever heard. “Yeah, I know. I’m trying to not do that anymore. She’s working on the whole Frank thing. I just...I feel like it’s my fault he was able to attack me. If I had been a better daughter, maybe my mom would have stayed at home, you know? Maybe she would’ve taken a post near home and spent time with me.” Jamie shakes her head and lets out a breath.

Bones lifts Jamie’s chin so she has to look at him. He speaks with a surety he isn’t sure he’s ever felt in his life. “Jamie. You couldn’t have been better. She was suffering from the loss of your father and she went crazy. She left, not because of you, but because she needed to leave for herself. It was selfish but she was going crazy.” Bones looks deep into her crystal blue eyes and smiles. “You couldn’t have been any better. There is no way I would want you any way other than how you are right at this moment.”

Jamie scoots up on the bed so that she is level with Bones’ face. She smiles softly and runs a hand lightly from his temple down his chin and neck to rest on his chest, directly over his heart, which is pumping quite hard in his chest. She leans in and presses her lips to his. They stay like that for several moments before she pulls away. No movement, no deepening, but Bones is left breathless by the simple thing of his lips against Jamie’s. “Go to sleep, darlin’.”

“Goodnight, Bones. I love you.” Jamie turns over and pulls his arms around herself. She nestles her back into his chest.

Bones waits until he hears her breath go steady and deep before whispering in her ear, “I love you, too. You crazy, crazy girl. God help me, I love you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked that chapter. I feel like it was overly sappy. Soz.  
> tumblr: fabtrek


	11. Chapter 11

Nyota Uhura is arguably the most intimidating person in all of Starfleet, Bones thinks. He glances at her nervously from his seat at the small table in the library to find that, yes, she is still staring at him. She’s not even trying to hide it. She’s just looking at him with an interested expression, book in hand forgotten.

Bones turns away from her and resumes his studying. He tries to ignore the feeling of her eyes on him but it soon becomes too much. He stands up, looks her dead in the eyes and speaks, “What the hell do you want from me? I’m not going to do a trick, I’m a doctor, not a show pony.”

Nyota doesn’t seem shocked by his outburst. She shrugs and sits at the table across from his seat. She pats the spot next to his book, indicating that he should take a seat. “Gaila’s been talking about you recently.”

Bones’ eyes go wide and he coughs “Why on Earth is Gaila, of all people, talking about me?” He goes through what little he knows about the Orion in his head. It isn’t much. He’s sure he hasn’t even spoken to her besides vague grunts of acknowledgment when she’s with Jamie.

“Well, not really about you. About Cadet Kirk. You see, Kirk’s become something of a fixture in our room. Now, she doesn’t come around that often and Gaila’s been saying you stole her away from us.”” Nyota gracefully arches an eyebrow. “Gaila may seem like an over-sexed nothing, but that’s her species. She’s brilliant and intuitive and she cares about Jamie a lot.”

“Alright.” Bones speaks slowly, still not completely sure why she’s telling him this.

“Kirk’s been having a tough time, everyone knows that, and Gaila just wants to see her.” Nyota sees Bones’ apprehension and hurriedly continues, “Don’t worry. She knows you and Jamie are serious. She won’t try anything.” She laughs, a light, airy, musical tone that cuts through the near-silent library and it makes Bones feel less uncomfortable in her presence. “So, what are you studying for?” She pinks up his padd in her slender fingers and scans the screen.

“Xenobiology. Vulcan anatomy, to be precise.” He groans, “Damn Vulcans and their damn green-blooded bodies.”

Nyota blushes and coughs awkwardly into her arm. “Yeah. Vulcan anatomy is really interesting.” Just as she says this, a Vulcan in a black officer’s uniform approaches their table.

“Nyota?” He speaks in a soft monotone. “Are you finished speaking to Doctor McCoy yet?” Bones nearly breaks down into hysterics when he realizes what is going on.

He nudges Nyota with his elbow, “Vulcan anatomy is really fascinating, isn’t it?”

The Vulcan gives Bones a curious look as Nyota stands up, a deep red coloring her usually flawless complexion. “I’ll see you later, Leonard.”

Bones chuckles to himself lightly and turns to his padd once more. He attempts to concentrate on the names of all the bones in the Vulcan body, but his mind keeps wandering and he doesn’t really want to be thinking about Uhura and her boyfriend. He retrieves his communicator from his bag and comms Jamie. “Hey, darlin’.”

“Hey, Bonesy! What’s up?” Jamie’s cheerful voice comes through accompanied by soft huffs of breath, as though she is trying to catch her breath as she speaks. 

“What are you doing? Why are you out of breath?”

“Just teaching hand-to-hand.” The sound of a man grunting and hitting the ground comes through the device. “There, done. So, what’s up?”

Bones smiles. Of course she was able to talk to him while fighting some guy who is probably about a foot taller than herself. “I was just thinking you should go out with Gaila tonight. You know, since you haven’t seen her in a while.” He tries to phrase the suggestion in a way that isn’t totally awkward. He fails.

“Let me guess, Uhura told you to tell me this?” 

Bones sighs, “Yeah. Damn woman cornered me in the library. Did you know she’s sleeping with a Vulcan officer?”

“I knew she had a secret boyfriend! A Vulcan. That’s hot.” She giggles. “Not as hot as you, of course.”

“Yeah, right. Are you going to go out with gaila tonight? Cuz I was thinking I would go to the bar with Sulu and her underage girlfriend.” Bones has become close friends with the two cadets over the past few weeks after realizing they are much more mature than one would expect.

“Yeah. I think I’ll give her a call. Have fun tonight!”

“I love you, darlin’.” 

“I guess I love you too, Bones dearest.”

Bones grins to himself as the connection cuts. He spies a familiar had of blond curls walk by and he jumps up. “Pav! Wait up!”

“Hello zhere, Leonard. How are you today?” The young girl’s thick accent greets him.

“I was wondering if you and Sulu would want to go to Delaney’s later tonight?”

“You are not going to go vith your Jamie?” The girl tilts her head to the right. Bones shakes his head no. “Alright. I vill tell Haru.”

\------

At 2200, Bones’ booze soaked brain registers that his girlfriend is in the same bar as him and she looks amazing in the dark wash skinny jeans she has on. He rises from the table he was seated at with Sulu and Chekov and approaches Jamie as she is attempting to challenge some random strangers to a drinking game. “I’ll play you, dear. If you’re ready to lose, that is.” His accent is thickened by alcohol and he leans into Jamie.

Jamie giggles and squeals, calling Gaila over to facilitate the game.

“Alright. I’m going to ask you some questions and for every question your lover can answer about you, you have to do a shot.” She grins and shouts to a waiter for a bottle of tequila and a few shot glasses which arrive moments later. “What is your lover’s favorite color?”

Bones feels a smile split his face. Even in his booze-induced haze, he knows this. “She says it’s yellow but we all know it’s dark blue. She’s got a thing for medical.” Bones winks and Jamie cackles, nodding and clapping her hands.

“His favorite color is...” She pauses, chewing on her lip. “Green? God, I am too drunk for this.” Jamie answers unsurely.

Bones shakes his head and pours his girlfriend a shot. “Sorry, dear. Drink up.”   
Jamie grimaces as she downs the shot quickly. Her eyes gleam with inebriation and she waves for Gaila to continue asking questions.

The game goes on and Jamie and Bones are fairly matched and equally drunk. They laugh hysterically and a crowd forms around them, cheering the couple on and collecting bits of information about them. “What is your lover’s biggest kink in the bedroom?” 

Bones says “Bondage” without thinking at the same time that Jamie answers.

“How should I know? Bones won’t bone me.”

The crowd bursts out laughing and Jamie remains pouty. When they realize she wasn’t joking, a few gasps ring out as they all fall silent. “What? Why?” Gaila nearly shrieks.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just not appealing to our dear doctor.” Jamie crosses her arms and frowns. Bones stands up and rounds the table.

“You are very appealing, Jamie Kirk.” He pulls her to her feet and cups her face in his large hands and leans down to kiss her deeply. His tongue delves into her mouth and she wraps one arm around his neck, tucking her other hand into his back pocket. She melds her body against his. Several catcalls ring out from the group of onlookers.

They pull apart and Bones whispers hotly in her ear, “Come on, why don’t we get out of here?” Jamie rolls her hips filthily against his once before turning and dragging him out of the bar eagerly.

Bones peels off Jamie’s clothes and lays her back on the bed before shedding his own. He finally looks at her, really looks, and feels his breath steal away. “God, you are so beautiful.”

Jamie chuckles breathily. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.” She gasps and arches her back as Bones leans down and begins pressing hot kisses along her collarbone. Jamie begs him to go faster, harder, but Bones smirks wickedly and traces his mouth along her curves slowly in a way that has her screaming and sobbing as she begs.

When Bones rolls on a condom, Jamie watches him with wonder, so happy that Bones thinks she might cry. He doesn’t understand it and he knows he should be upset that she’s been hurt like that, but booze and lust take over and he pushes into her, reveling in the tight, wet, heat of her. They move in tandem and Bones comes with a cry, followed quickly by Jamie, who bites into his shoulder.

He rolls off of her and smiles softly, turning his head. Tears are trickling from Jamie’s eyes and she bites her lip to hide the fact that she’s crying. “Are you okay?” Bones traces a finger from her temple down her jaw. She nods and smiles a bit.

“Nobody’s ever really cared about me before, I guess?” She catches his hand and presses her lips to his palm. “Nobody’s ever fucked me with a condom, even. They didn’t care if I got pregnant and Frank kept me up to date on my vaccines, like a dog.” She smiles at him, “With you, it’s completely different, though. You care and you...you love me.” She curls into his chest. “I love you so much, Bones.”

Bones’ hand travels absently up and down her back, tracing random mindless patterns before finally coming to her hair and carding through the sot blond strands carefully. He wants to go over everything she told him, but sleep beckons and he gives in, wrapping his arms tightly around the love of his life. “You are everything to me. I love you so much it hurts, Jamie Kirk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooo sex  
> and emotions  
> and drinking  
> yeah  
> tumblr: fabtrek


	12. Chapter 12

Pike and Jamie walk together across the grassy stretch between her classes. She swings her arms lightly and chatters away to the captain, who smiles and contributes minimally to the conversation.

“Alright, Pike. What’s the deal?” Jamie turns around and quirks an eyebrow, a habit she picked up from Bones.

“What do you mean?” Pike smiles easily at Jamie, who puts her hand on her hip and laughs.

“You’re being all uptight and weird!” She hits him lightly on the arm and receives a quizzical look from Pike. “Sir.” She says teasingly.

He sighs and pulls a padd out of his briefcase. “He sent you a letter through me.” He taps on the padd and grimaces. “You don’t have to see it if you don’t want to. I can erase it right now and you will never have to see this.”

“Who is it from?”

“I can erase it ri-”

“Who is it from? Don’t fuck with me, Pike.” Jamie cuts him off; her tone is warning and angry. Her eyes light up with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation. “I know you’re nervous but I also know when you lie. Don’t lie to me. Who is it from?”

“It’s from Casey.”  
\--------

Jamie had told Pike to send her the letter and he had refused. She had shouted and thrown a temper tantrum but he refused. He sent it to Bones instead.

Jamie’s heart pounds in time with her knocking on the door of Bones’ apartment. She has the code, but her hands shake and her heart pounds whenever she thinks about the note that is sitting in his inbox, addressed to her. She leans her head against the doorframe and waits.

The door slides open and Bones stares at her for what feels like an eternity before grasping her upper arm lightly and pulling her into the small apartment. She stumbles in and wrenches her arm away from him. He jolts back in shock and stares at her with wide eyes. “Jamie. I don’t think you should read that letter.”

She turns on him with wild eyes and hands running through her hair madly. “You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I know that if I open that, it’ll just be him exercising his power over me? I am running away from that life and it is chasing me. I cannot get away no matter what I do!” She speaks slowly and purposefully to him, spitting out each word spitefully.

He places a hand on her shoulder and Jamie jerks away, dashing to the bathroom and locking the door. She bangs her fists on the wall and rests her head against it, letting the cold tile cool her burning face. Pressure builds behind her eyes and she can’t cry. She screams and kicks the wall and bangs her fists but the tears don’t come.

“Jamie! Come out here! I can help you, I promise.” Bones shouts through the door, knocking loudly. Jamie screams and sits on the ground by the toilet pathetically.

“You don’t have to knock. You have an override. Don’t make me think I have a choice when I don’t.”

Bones sighs and sits outside the door with his back resting against it. “Look, I’m not going to force my way in. You’re in control here, Jamie.” He picks at a loose string on his pants and speaks slowly, “Jamie?”

Jamie lets out a sob as the tears finally start streaming down her face. “I can’t get away, Bones. I can’t get away from it all. I thought I was going to be fine but there is no way I ever will be.” She lets out a bitter and dark chuckle. “I don’t know why you waste your time with me.”

“I’m not wasting my time. You’re going to be fine, Jamie. I know you’re going to be fine.” He knocks his head back against the door. “Please, let me in. For once in your life, let someone else deal with it. I’ll delete the letter right now.”

Jamie cries out and retches into the toilet, the contents of her stomach emptying into the toilet. Bones enters his override into the system and barges in. His hair is ruffled from running his hands through it and his eyes are narrowed with concern. He pats her back a few times until he’s sure she has finished. Bones flushes the toilet and lifts his girlfriend off the floor, supporting her as they walk out of the room and into the living room. He sets her down on the couch and sits down next to her.

Jamie’s hand finds his and he strokes soothing circles with his thumb in her hand. Her eyes are bloodshot and the tracks of dried tears carry mascara down her face in long black lines. Her hair falls out of the ponytail haphazardly. He reaches over and attempts to tuck one of the strands behind her ear. She flinches away from the hand and he accepts the action as a natural reaction to the stress. 

“Do you want me to call your mother?” He suggests carefully, turning his head slightly to look at her. She shrugs and shakes her head.

“No. She doesn’t even know about any of this unless Pike told her. I don’t want to trouble her.”

“Jamie she does know. She knows about the drugs, about Casey; she knows about the letter, too.” 

She turns to look at him for the first time and her face portrays betrayal and fear. “You told her?”

Bones rests a hand on the side of her face and he says apologetically, “I’m sorry. She needed to know.”

Jamie grabs the padd off the table and Bones wants to move and take it from her but he does not. She taps a few buttons and he watches as her eyes flick from side to side, reading the note slowly and carefully. She finishes and replaces the padd in its previous position on the coffee table. She sighs and runs a hand over her face slowly. Her arms wrap around Bones and she rests her head on his chest.

Bones circles his arms around Jamie and buries his nose in her hair. He takes a deep breath and takes in the scent of shampoo and sweat. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Do you want dinner?”

“Sure.”

They get up after about twenty minutes and Bones leads them to a diner down the street. They sit together and eat grilled cheese while a waitress flutters around the edges of their conversation, clearly concerned by Jamie Kirk sitting in the diner with tear stains on her face and bloodshot eyes. Bones talks about Joanna and Jamie sits in near silence, occasionally chiming in with something that the little girl said to her during one of their previous conversations. Bones laughs loudly and slaps the table. Jamie smiles and takes his hand in hers as a silent thank you.

They walk back to the apartment together and Jamie leans on him with an arm wrapped around his waist. “Bones, I think I want to talk to my mother.”

“How long has it been?” He looks down at Jamie with a soft reassuring smile.

“I don’t remember.”

They enter the apartment and she sits on the couch while he grabs the vidscreen and sets up the call. She hears murmuring from the other room and fear builds up in her chest as she waits for him to finish talking to Winona. He walks into the room in complete silence and hands her the screen. He turns and sits at the kitchen table, a safe distance to watch her but not be involved.

Jamie runs a hand over her face and lets out a nervous giggle that holds no humor but sounds much happier than she had earlier that morning. “Hi, Mom.”

Winona smiles and it’s the same as Jamie’s while being completely different at the same time. “Hey, Jamie. You’re so grown up.”

Bones smiles. Jamie breathes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay mother daughter reunion.  
> tumblr: fabtrek


	13. Chapter 13

Jamie is full of anxious energy as she speaks to her mother. It mixes with a disappointment she doesn’t understand. She’d wanted her mother to yell and rage at her about the drugs and fighting. She wanted something to be said about the first twenty two years of Jamie’s fucking life.

“It’s fine. You’ll be okay, I’m sure.” Was what Jamie got. Seven words said with a small smile and cold blue eyes that look like Jamie’s but do not betray emotions like her daughter’s own eyes. Winona was too hardened to ever let anyone know what she felt.

Not even her only daughter.

Her daughter who holds George Kirk’s spark and loyalty. His hair and his kindness. Bones knows that Jamie wants to be like her father because her mother abandoned her at a young age. He also knows that Jamie carries a lot of Winona in her veins, right down to her bones. Jamie’s stubbornness and fighting instincts came from Winona, he can see it in the purse of the older woman’s lips, the set of her shoulders.

The thing that comes as a surprise to him, however, is Jamie’s obvious desperation to have Winona accept her and act like a mother. Jamie leans in to the vidscreen and pours her heart out to a woman who doesn’t actually know her and who clearly does not care. Bones wants to rip the screen away from her and yell and scream at this woman who was so concerned about her daughter until they ended up face to face.

“I really like it here, Mom. My classes are so great and there are so many people here that are really great.” Jamie’s eyes flick over to Bones as she speaks and a blush settles over her cheekbones lightly. “I don’t know what I’d do without Bones, honestly.”

“How is Doctor McCoy? Is she there now?” Winona speaks in clipped tones that remind Bones of Starfleet and authority. Not of mothers. He steps into view of the camera and stands behind the couch with his hand resting on Jamie’s shoulder, providing her with an anchor.

“Please, ma’am, call me Leonard.” He speaks cordially, “You daughter is mighty special.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned.” Winona fakes a smile that isn’t proud.

Jamie grins in a way that Bones has never seen before: an expression of embarrassment and sadness from the girl who, despite everything, has never been ashamed of herself once in her life. “Really? You tell her I’m special?”

“I tell everyone you’re special, idiot.” He laughs a bit and brushes her cheek with his hand before turning back to Winona, who has an odd look on her face like she might be sick.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy, Jamie.”

“Bones saved me, Mom. In every sense of the word.”

“Well, at least joining Starfleet got you away from that scene in Riverside. You’d probably be dead by now if you had stayed.” She shakes her head. “I still wish PIke hadn’t gotten you into this. I’m still not sure if you belong at The Academy.”

Bones steels himself and clenches his fists before speaking stiffly. “Jamie belongs here more than anyone else, I reckon. She was born to wear that uniform whether you realize that or not...well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to let Jamie quit this under any circumstance.”

Jamie positively glows as she listens to Bones speak. He squeezes her shoulder with his large hand and she presses into the touch.

Winona mumbles something that sounds like “I wish she wasn’t.” before she coughs uncomfortably under Bones’ harsh glare. “When you get out for summer recess in a month, I think you should come to Iowa.”

It wasn’t ‘come home’ and it surely wasn’t ‘I want to see you.’ Winona’s words were short and open to interpretation, though Bones figured he probably did not want to know what she was thinking under it all.

“I’m actually taking Jamie back home to Georgia.” Bones speaks suddenly and surprises himself, having not actually asked Jamie what she wants.

“We’ll try to get out to visit you for a day or two, though, Mom.” Jamie’s voice rings with an innocence Bones never expected from her and it shocks him into silence.

“I’m sure you will. Well, I’ve got to go, now. Duty calls.”

“Bye, Mom. I love you.”

“Goodbye, Jamie.” The link clicks out with an abrupt darkness.

Bones sighs and rounds the couch to sit next to Jamie. He settles into his seat and places an arm carefully around her shoulders. “So, you wanna come to Georgia, kid?”

Jamie bursts out in a fit of giggles and rests her head on Bones’ shoulder. “I don’t suppose I have a choice, do I? You already told my mother.” She stops laughing for a moment and captures Bones’ hand with her own. “I’d love to go back to Georgia with you, if you’ll have me. I really wanna meet Joanna.”

Bones smiles. “Now that you say so, I’m not so sure I want you around Jo.”

Jamie gasps in mock horror before climbing onto Bones’ lap and taking his face in her hands. Her hands go immediately to her hips. He leans forward but she stops him, her blue eyes twinkling with mischief. “I’ll have you know I’d be a great role model for Joanna.” She grins, “I’m going to be a starship captain, which makes me much cooler than you, Doctor McCoy.”

“I save lives.”

“I do too!” She stops herself. “Or, I will someday.”

Bones wants to say that she already has, that she saved him that first day on the shuttle, that she saves him with every breath they take together. “I don’t doubt it, darlin’.”

Jamie’s mouth quirks up in an almost-surprised-but-not-really smile. She kisses his lips in a quick peck and scoots off his lap. “It’s late, Bones. ‘M tired.” Jamie, however, makes no move to go to bed; she instead lays her head on Bones’ lap, long blond hair splayed over his thighs. He runs his fingers through the hair and just when he thinks she’s asleep, she startles him by speaking. “Should I go to Iowa, Bones?”

“That is not my decision to make, kid. Just know I’ll follow you wherever you end up with a hypo at the ready.”

\-----

Jamie wakes alone on the couch to a note on her forehead and an itch beneath her skin.

The note says, “Don’t be late for your 1300 class.”

The itch says, “I need a hypo, a line, a hit, anything. I need it.” Jamie shakes as she rolls onto her back. The ceiling above her spins. Everything is shaking and she can’t remember it being this bad since February right after she quit. Her stomach rolls.

It’s May now. She thought it would be over by now but something triggered the reaction again. Waves of cold wash over her, followed by unbearable heat.

The itch burns under her skin.

She fumbles for her comm on the table and speaks into it with a pounding behind her eyes. “Cadet Jamie Kirk to Doctor Leonard McCoy.”

“Jamie? Are you okay?”

“I need you here, Bones.”

 “I’m in the middle of a shift, are you sure you need me right now?” His voice is urgent and quick. She hears him mumble something to someone before he takes a breath and slows down. “Jamie, what’s wrong?”

“I-I think the contact from Casey set something off. I’m shaking and I need a hit, Bones. I need something.”

“Shit, Jamie. I’ll be home in a bit. Don’t do anything. Just stay where you are.” Bones’ voice is firm and level. “I’ll see you in a bit. I love you.”

“No, Bones! Don’t go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because we never really talked about the withdrawal, did we?  
> well, winona is also awful in this fic and i love feedback!  
> please comment!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The end!  
> Possible epilogue in the next few weeks, but I'm afraid this is it!  
> I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who ever supported this crazy fic of mine! All of you are amazing and I love you so much. It feels so weird to be done with it, but from here we can only get bigger and better.
> 
> My next fic, "Remember Jim" should be up and running in the next week or so, but we'll have to see how it goes.
> 
> I love you all and I'm crying right now.

Jamie’s hair whips around her face and she has to stop the bike on the side of the road because her eyes are cloudy and she might hate herself but she doesn’t want to die tonight. The corn in the fields that surround her on every side rustle in the wind and for a while it sounds like it’s all whispering to her. 

“You broke his heart.”

She screams because it’s the only thing she can do to ignore the voices that aren’t there but they are because they’re in her head and they all have her voice. Pike’s voice. Christine’s voice.

Bones’ voice.

“Jamie, I don’t understand.”

-

Jamie wakes up in the biobed, confused with only the beeping of medical equipment to offer her any comfort. Out in the hallway, she hears voices.

“These drugs...they’re tricky. We don’t know a lot about the long-term effects of cardassian drugs, especially cocktails like she’s been on. The physical effects should be mostly done but emotional responses are very possible.” A cold, detached voice speaks words of ice.

“Just let me take her home. You can’t do anything for her here, we both know that.” Bones’ voice comes out a deep rumble. Jamie smiles, she can almost picture his cross-armed stance and raised eyebrows.

A few minutes pass by and she remembers it all, remembers what put her here.

She had yelled and screamed and begged Bones to give her something because she needed, couldn’t do this anymore.

She remembers throwing up; remembers Bones looking scared for a minute. Then it all goes black and she’s not sure why it happened, but it did.

“God, Jamie, you scared me.” Bones walks into the room with a half smile that’s still worried but at least he’s smiling.

It feels wrong, though. He should be angry, should be screaming.

“I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.” He sits by the bed and takes her hand.

Eventually, a nurse walks into the room with a chipper skip in her step. “Doctor McCoy, you’re free to take your wife home now!” She says and both Jamie and Bones freeze.

“Not his wife.” Jamie smiles tightly at the nurse.

“Oh, sorry. Fiancee?”

“Nope. Just, you know, together. Nothing more.” Jamie says quickly and she sees the hurt look in his face, but for some reason words like that are too heavy and she can’t breathe.

They go home and don’t talk about it, living in a sort of tension that neither of them like but they can’t seem to escape it for the life of them.

They skirt around each other, occasionally coming together and reaching out but they’re both so busy with finals approaching that they never see each other and when they do, Jamie is so full of guilt and tension that she’s sure she’ll break.

She wonders to herself after three weeks of it why she never saw this coming. Why she never realized that her being with Bones did not make sense.

They’re both packing for summer recess when it happens.

“Joanna’ll be so excited to meet you, Jame.”

“I’m going to Iowa, Bones.” Jamie says finally on a sigh, putting her shirt in her bag with a finality that makes her sick.

“Alright. I’ll call Ma and tell her that we wont be there right away. How long are we going to be there?” He pulls out his comm, clearly not getting what she’s saying.

“That’s not what I mean, Bones.” She stares him in the eye. “I’m going to Iowa and you’re going to Georgia and when I get back, I’m going to my own apartment.” She finishes packing and pulls her bag toward the door.

A hand catches her arm. “Jamie? What is this about? Are you using again? We can get you help.” Bones searches her face for a clue but she knows he won’t find one in the blank sheet of paper that used to be so expressive but now is just..there. “Jamie?”

Jamie shakes her head and pulls her arm out of his grip. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go.”

“I don’t understand.” Reaches her ears before the door closes on him.

-

She goes home and her mother is sitting at the kitchen table. She looks at Jamie and it’s not loving, it’s not caring. Jamie doesn’t look at her, doesn’t give her the opportunity to stare at her like that again.

“Jamie. Stop. We haven’t talked and you’ve been here for a week.” She says and it sounds like the beginning of a fight.

Jamie turns to her and stares at her like a petulant teenager, unwilling to say anything.

“I don’t know why you treat me so coldly.”

“Maybe because I broke up with my very serious boyfriend and you didn’t ask. Or maybe because you’ve always ignored me.”

“I couldn’t look at you without seeing him.”

“I needed you!”

“Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when Sam got arrested, you didn’t even show up to help us.”

Winona stiffens and stands. “He killed my husband.”

Jamie clenches her fists. “He would have killed me, Mom.” She spits out the term sarcastically. “He beat me and abused me and drugged me and Sam saved me.” She takes a step forward. “I know you don’t care because I’m the reason George is dead, but really? I never knew him and I don’t care. I just wanted a mother.” Her voice goes quiet on the last part and she shrinks back into herself.

Winona is shocked, standing in the middle of her kitchen, unsure how to answer this stranger of a daughter she has. She blinks a few times before stepping forward and reaching out halfway before pulling back. “Okay.”

Jamie turns and practically runs up the stairs. She can’t breathe because her mother looked at her like she actually cared for once and she’s always wanted it but she doesn’t know how to deal with it.

-

A knock on the door comes about a week later. She doesn’t know how, but she knows who it is. Her steps are slow at first, growing faster and faster until she’s running to the door and whipping it open to reveal Bones standing there with dark bags under is eyes and his hair all messy. “Jamie, I still don’t understand.”

Jamie wants to laugh and cry but she doesn’t quite remember how so she just smiles and starts crying. She shakes her head and Bones grins at her.

He takes her into his arms and holds her for what seems like an eternity and not long enough. “God, Jamie. Next time you’re going to break up with me, please warn me ahead of time.”

Jamie sniffles and a laugh comes out. “I just didn’t want to be a burden on you anymore.”

“You’re not a burden.” Bones kisses her nose. “You’re exactly what I’ve never wanted.”

Jamie pulls back and stares at him cautiously. 

“You’re everything I’ve never wanted but always needed, Jamie. I was just too dumb to realize it.” 

Jamie smiles. “I also really don’t want to marry you.” Bones gives her a look of shock and hurt. He looks ready to pull away and turn around but she speaks up again, “I mean, not right now. That would be a disaster. Someday, maybe, but right now? No.”

“Alright, I’ll let you deal with the timing, then. Just know that I’m ready when you are.” Bones grins at her and finally kisses her and it feels like the first time again.

Everything feels new to Jamie.

Because really, it’s only the beginning for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case no one noticed, it begins with an end and ends with a beginning.  
> feedback appreciated!  
> tumblr: fabtrek

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr:fabtreks  
> feedback is good!!


End file.
